">
">
">
">
Personal Page 3 Steve Hodgin Romantic Thoughts |
Personal Page 3 Steve Hodgin Romantic Thoughts |
Most people seem to assume any of my romantic poetry is written either for someone or about someone. It is true that my individual poems have each been inspired by a picture, an event or a person, but most often the actual idea is of an situation which I imagined. My attitudes about love and marriage were fairly fixed even as a child. I knew that I wanted a wife and children. I knew I would read my kids bedtime stories just like my dad did with me. I knew I would make up many of the stories I would tell just like I figured he was doing at times. I had read all of the fairy tales and believed that I would be the prince in shining armor when I met my fair princess. I had little trouble finding girls who liked me. I was different than other guys they had met. I was able to converse openly and deeply. I was much more sensitive to their thoughts and feelings than others were. My trouble as a young person was that I had not really come to a point of self-love or self acceptance yet. All that I could see was that I was different than anyone else, and felt that no one really could understand me. I think that in many ways I was self absorbed and not yet emotionally ready for any relationship, even when I got married. I had several girlfriends in college and would always break up for the same reason. I wanted to get married. They each went to college to get an education. (Can't say I blame them for that!) The time schedule was off for each of them. I was on an emotional roller coaster in those days. One girl I knew came to be my best friend. Marilyn was not someone I would have had any romantic interest in but she was always there to listen when I needed a listening ear. She was a librarian at the college and was just a few months older than me. As girlfriends came and went, she was always there. She was very bright academically and was a very sympathetic listener. I always thought we had great conversations together. I had not stopped to notice they were all one sided. I came to a place where I made a logical decision that the best choice for a wife for me would be Marilyn so I asked her to marry me. She had not regarded our relationship in that way before so she answered "No". I asked her again and again until she said "Yes". (Later I was to be told the reason she agreed to marry was because she could think of no reason not to.) She was living in Michigan and I needed to be with my family in the summer before the fall that we planned to be married. I do not think she really loved me then, but as the months passed, I think she began to. Her letters became more affectionate and endearing as time passed. We were married in August of 1972. I worked while she finished college at Western Michigan University. We had agreed that I would finish college after she did while we traded places and she worked to help me through. That plan was changed by her desire to have a baby. I did in no way regret having our first son. There were times later on when I did resent not having had the opportunity to finish Our kids were the one thing we had in common over the years. We moved several times in our married life. We moved from Michigan to Colorado to be near my folks. When they announced plans to move to California, we moved to Arkansas to establish our own homestead. Financial trouble caused us to move temporarily to Mississippi. Although intending to spend a few months there, we stayed 4 years, but eventually moved back to our place on Pinnacle Mountain. She always hated that house for its remoteness. My kids and I all loved it. I bought it at a bargain price and invested many hours along with much sweat and blood in it. I finally sold my dream home to neighbors in a hasty decision and Marilyn and I split up in about 1996. She took a job as a school teacher and rented a small house. I moved to Oklahoma. As I left I told her I was very unhappy that she had never learned to communicate or compromise in our relationship. I told her that I was going to work on three houses I bought to remodel in OKC and that at any time if she was willing to talk over our problems, I would be available to do so . Her first phone call came a year later. She needed money for something. I sent all that I could to help her. It was not much but she did have the income from the house we had sold which paid for all her rent and left a little extra. I lived a very busy but lonely life in OKC. After a year and a half alone, I met a friend of a friend who was a total romantic. Young and very beautiful, She was an oasis in the desert of my life. We became quick friends. I have never met anyone so romantic and nurturing as she was to me in the ensuing months. I made the relationship no secret. I loved her and felt she loved me. She was hospitalized with an intestinal problem which caused her much pain. The doctors, not knowing her past history of drug abuse administered Codiene, then Vallium. She and Vallium had a love affair rekindled. The abuse problem became worse and I soon realized that she was getting multiple prescriptions to sell to pay her bills with, so I gave her an ultimatim. She became very angry with me and said I had no right to try to run her life. She left angry with me. I have had few sadder days in my life. I have not seen her since October of 1998. She has written a few times and has made ammends. Her mother wrote me a nice letter thanking me for the influence I had on her life. She said I would always be a part of the family. People I know say that I should have such a relationship with God that my lonliness will go away. I can not remember ever feeling towards God as I have to any woman I have ever met. I also get lots of rebuke for the choices I have made in my life. What people choose to do has got to be mutually agreed upon and within the framework of their own personal codes of ethics and morals. People need to be up front with each other and honest with their feelings. I have never had a relationship with any woman who is not still my friend. I am honest and do all I can to not stir up false expectations. I wish that someone would come my way who needs a friend like me. I would very much love to have someone who I could love unreservedly, who would love and admire me in the same way. Granted, ideally it would be wonderful if my ex would have seen me in that way. It would have made life much easier, but I honestly believed she would never change. Each year I saw her becoming more and more rigid in her religious views, and less able to communicate with me. Our lives had drawn farther and farther apart until our divorce. The question I am asked most is "Why did you go so long without getting a divorce". It is a valid question but has no simple answer. I moved back from OKC because I wanted to be a better Dad to my kids. The kids were really messed up emotionally while I was gone. Their grades suffered as well as their emotional stability. They are not naive. As they grew older they were understanding more and more the truth of the situation. In time they were accepting the idea of their Dad and Mom being two separate people instead of he ONE they had once envisioned. I lived my life for them to a large degree. I had no other person I was responsible to or for. Now I have custody of my 17 year old son Ben. He and I are best of friends. If I were to meet a woman that I feel I do not wish to live without, and who would be a benefit to my life and the lives of my children, my heart would lead me to make changes to accomodate that. I The religious training I had as a young person still hangs onto me like an anchor. Divorce was never an option to the Christian couple. I wonder sometimes how God feels looking at people being miserable together in a prison type relationship. In my mind I see him desiring happiness for each of us, but sometimes it is not an option while living together. Not all of Christian doctrine makes sense to me. People who claim to have all of the answers are sometimes not even aware of the real questions. A year and a half ago i met someone as romantic as could be who claimed to be a christian. Hyper jealous and possessive, she made my life miserable for many months in a very tumultuous relationship. Besides that she smoked although she promised to quit at first. My kids and family all disliked her and tried to warn me that I was being used but some lessons are hard to accept without a hard bump on the head. Please shoot me if I ever date a cajun / irish woman again. I do know this... there is no one I have ever loved that I will ever be able to stop loving. I will always love the memories and remember the good times. This page has been very difficult for me to write because I have had to reopen chapters of my life which I have put behind me. Steve Hodgin |
