The Farmer and the Lawyer
A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in the country.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the
lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was
doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in
this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we do things here. We settle small
disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times, and so on,
back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he was much younger, and
since he works out regularly at the health club he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide
by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the city feller. His first kick
planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now
it's my turn."
(I love this............)>
>
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
can have the
duck."
Peach Brandy
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!
Marriage Made in Heaven
There were two elderly people living in a retirement mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and
finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Six Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear-everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong anyway.
Construction Workers
An Italian, an Irishman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a
couple of hours. When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta da broom, an' you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and
I no finda him."
The foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get
meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!!"
Honest Cop?
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:Sure. Here it is. (It was valid. )
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body)
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying creep told you I was speeding, too
GIFT OF GAB
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you
make
today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold
him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him
where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin
engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for
his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go
fishing.'"
